Pubdate: Thu, 08 Mar 2001
Source: Guardian Weekly, The (UK)
Copyright: Guardian Publications 2001
Contact:  75 Farringdon Road London U.K EC1M 3HQ
Fax: 44-171-242-0985
Website: http://www.guardianunlimited.co.uk/GWeekly/
Page: 33
Author: Ellen Goodman, Washington Post

TRUE CONFESSIONS OF A POLITICALLY CORRECT, FAIR-TRADING CAFFEINE ADDICT

It's not that I've been in denial. Denial is not my strong suit. For
years I acknowledged my addiction with a blithe one-line toast: "Ah,
coffee, the last drug of my generation."

Technically, of course, it isn't the last legal drug. But alcohol has
been limited to non-pregnant, non-driving people and smoking isn't
banned but banished to doorways where a community of folks look like
they're having much too much fun.

Coffee, on the other hand, is culturally approved, universally
accepted, socially enabled, and financially promoted. There's a fix on
every corner.

Still, I comforted myself with the notion that I wasn't a coffee
junkie. Junkies drink the sludge at the bottom of the day-old pot. I
am a coffee gourmet.

I own at least six caffeine delivery systems from a Melita to an
espresso machine. Like an alcoholic who only consumes vintage
Bordeaux, I choose beans of a certain provenance. I drink politically
correct, organic coffee cultivated by small farmers who get their
fair-trading share of the profits. Besides, I only drink about two
cups. Every single day. First thing in the morning. Immediately. Or
else.

But for every self-deception there is a moment when reality bites. For
me it was in the welcoming letter from the quiet, spiritual, weekend
retreat to which I had already sent my deposit.

The brochure reminded retreaters that we were heading to an
environment that was: drug free, of course; non-smoking, praise the
Lord; vegetarian, no problem; alcohol free, fine; and caffeine-free -
AARRRGH!

Those two little hyphenated words struck terror in the heart of
someone eager for a weekend of yoga classes and silent breakfasts. I
could do without words, but without coffee??? A postscript said they
would dole out tea bags like methadone to anyone who asked at the
front desk, but it wouldn't be served in the dining room.

As the day approached I realized that I wasn't thinking about
withdrawal from the world but from caffeine. I wasn't contemplating
nirvana and karma but sumatra and french roast. So it is that I
arrived at a spiritual retreat smuggling a small amount of ground
coffee, a one-cup coffee maker and a travelling mug. Saturday morning
found me away from everything worldly except for the need to find hot
water for my illegal stash. NOW!

One secret cup of coffee later, one furtive tooth-brushing and
room-airing later, I was fine, alert, anxiety-free, and ready to face
my first piece of personal enlightenment. No caffeine, no karma.

I don't mean to equate caffeine with cocaine or to suggest a plot for
Traffic II, tracing little black beans from the heart of Costa Rica to
a blissful shop in Seattle. But what makes one drug OK and another
forbidden?

Is the problem in the substance, in its abuse, or in its illegality?
Is the war waged in the name of morality, public health, behavior or
fighting crime? Have we ever figured out a rational way to explain and
triage which drugs should be banned for which reasons?

Sitting furtively with my contraband, I ruminated on whether addiction
itself is considered the moral problem. If so, coffee drinkers of
America, caffeine 'r' us. And while I would never steal or sell my
first born to support my habit, I had already become a fugitive.

Of course, coffee itself is a treatment for asthma, which I don't
have, but never mind. But we haven't triaged the drugs that are deadly
to life, work, family or brain tissues from the drugs that are only a
problem if you don't have them.

Today I write this, happily, under the influence of a drug. My
breathing stayed yogic, my breakfast stayed silent, and I was able to
meditate on something other than drug policy. But next time, I plan to
go clean. That is, as long as I can bring one little bitty chocolate
bar.
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