Pubdate: Sun, 12 Dec 2004
Source: Vacaville Reporter (CA)
Copyright: 2004 Vacaville Reporter
Contact:  http://www.thereporter.com/
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/472
Author: Brian Hamlin, Senior Staff Writer
Bookmark: http://www.mapinc.org/meth.htm (Methamphetamine)

SOULFUL STORIES

Former Meth Addict Shares Struggles In New 'Soup' Book

In 1997, Tracey Lee-Coen had lost just about everything that had ever
mattered to her - but she didn't know it.

Hooked on methamphetamines, she had alienated most of her family, had
been homeless, was depressed and suicidal. Fortunately, she thought,
she still had her meth pipe and she just knew she wasn't an addict.

That all changed one spring day when she was feeling particularly down
and decided to stop at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Vallejo to
get something to ease her depression. She didn't get a prescription,
but instead got a lecture from a nurse who saw what her real problem
was and demanded that she attend a chemical dependency program.

"I was livid," the 45-year-old Vacaville woman recalled. "I was so
angry with her. I wasn't an addict. I just needed a pill."

Although in deep denial of her real problem, Lee-Coen agreed to attend
one meeting. There were a lot of substance abusers telling sorry
stories, but she resisted because she was certain that they were
different from her.

"I was in denial. I wasn't an addict. I thought a drug addict was some
fiend with needles hanging out of his arms," she said.

She got through that first long meeting and hurried home. She knew her
boyfriend was supposed to have scored some meth that day and it was
waiting for her.

Racing home, she ran to her meth stash and began feverishly preparing
for a pipe.

And then Lee-Coen had a revelation. She saw herself for what she was -
a meth fiend.

"I literally collapsed. I went a little nuts. I tossed everything out.
I crushed the pipe. I poured out all our vodka. My boyfriend came home
and thought I had gone nuts," she recalled.

Later, she realized, she'd gone sane.

And she went back to the chemical dependency program at
Kaiser.

Today, successful and in recovery, she's regained her life and she's
sharing a message with others who may have fallen prey to alcohol or
drugs: there is hope.

"Six months into recovery, I just felt my soul open up again and I
knew I had a purpose and that was to share the hell, but to share the
hope, too."

A staff development supervisor with the Solano County Health and
Social Services Department, she's a member of RAFT (Recovering
Advocates for Treatment), works to increase awareness of the need for
substance abuse treatment and recently shared memories of her own
recovery in two essays published in the book "Chicken Soup for the
Recovering Soul," published by Health Communications, Inc.

Her two essays are among dozens contributed by people who have
suffered and recovered from substance abuse, depression and self doubt.

One of her contributions, "The Letter," tells of Lee-Coen's alienation
from her family and her eventual return through recovery.

The letter, written as part of an assignment from her treatment
program, describes how drugs separated her from her family and how,
eventually, she came back to her mother, father and siblings.

"I knew instantly that I had to write the letter to my parents. For
years I watched their confusion at the chaos in my life. Somehow I had
been able to hide my drug habit so all they saw were the consequences.
But now, the cat was out of the bag. They were at a loss to understand
why, of their seven children, only I had invited drugs and alcohol
into my life," she wrote in introduction.

The letter is, in itself, both heartbreaking and life-affirming. With
it, Lee-Coen was taking a critical step toward recovery.

"Dear Mom and Dad,

Hi, it's me your long-lost daughter. You know, the one with 'so much
potential.' God, I have missed you these past fifteen years - you and
Wendy, Deidre, Shari, Dean, Randy and Darren ..." she wrote in part.

"I am sorry for the pain my choices have caused you. I am sorry for
the agony my revelations will cause you now. You have always been
there for me, when I asked and even when I couldn't. You have loved me
unconditionally and that is what makes hurting you now so hard. My
only prayer is that in this hurt, true healing will finally begin."

Lee-Coen's other essay in "Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul" deals
with her son, Bill, who saw her addiction and recovery first-hand and
actually spoke before the California State Senate while the
legislative body was considering a bill that would require health
insurance companies to offer coverage for treatment of substance abuse.

Lee-Coen had expected to do the speaking, but her 10-year-old son
stepped forward:

" 'My name is Bill Lee and I am ten years old. Up until I was seven,
my mom was really addicted to drugs, Sometimes I couldn't wake her up.
Sometimes I was hungry and had to try to cook my own food. One time we
were homeless. I remember thinking maybe she wasn't my mom anymore,
maybe there was an alien inside her. I didn't know it was because of
drugs,' " Lee-Coen wrote.

Today, the Vacaville woman is reunited with her family and her son is
a 14-year-old student with a 4.0 grade-point average.

Lee-Coen feels like her soul has been returned to her.

"When we're addicts, it's like our souls are asleep," she said. "But
there is a light inside us that comes on. That light lives in me."
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MAP posted-by: Larry Seguin