Pubdate: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 Source: Johnson City Press (TN) Copyright: 2004 Johnson City Press and Associated Press Contact: http://www.johnsoncitypress.com/ Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/1983 Author: Sue Guinn Legg Bookmark: http://www.mapinc.org/rehab.htm (Treatment) NURSE'S CONFESSION OPENS DOOR TO HEALING FROM DRUG ADDICTION One Sunday evening last April while at work in the intensive care unit at the Veterans Affairs Medical Center, 35-year-old registered nurse Kevin Gilbert withdrew 14 milligrams of morphine and 60 milligrams of the central nervous system depressant midazolam from the hospital's electronic dispensing system and injected himself with the drugs in an employee bathroom. Twenty-four hours later, found out by his co-workers and confronted by a representative of his nurses' union, Gilbert admitted his addiction for the first time, opening a floodgate on the secrets of his illness and, at the same time, a door to recovery. Now on federal probation, in recovery and under contract with the Tennessee Professional Assistance Program - the first step in a three-year process to maintain his license and salvage his career - Gilbert said he's feeling better than he has in months. "There's a certain freedom in saying 'it doesn't matter' and going on," he said in a recent interview. "Even with all the restrictions I'm under and all the other things going on, it's still a lot better life than it was seven or eight months ago." Gilbert said his downward spiral began some 18 months before the incident at VAMC with a combination of work-related stress and personal problems. "It was the stress of nursing. Being understaffed adds a lot to it. I had been working two jobs. My wife has lupus and wasn't working at the time. And I began having neck and shoulder problems. "I had had percocet before for my neck and shoulder, so I began taking it from the VA. And within about a year and a half, it escalated to intravenous use. It happened rather quick." Suspecting something was wrong, Gilbert's wife took him to a doctor. He was prescribed antidepressants but continued to hide his addiction. "I still didn't disclose to my wife or my doctor, and I guess this is kind of where it led me to," he said. "It came to a point toward the end, that I couldn't tell anybody. I was too embarrassed. I couldn't stop on my own. It was really a pretty horrible situation to be in - to be that controlled by something." As for Sunday, April 27, Gilbert said, "I'm not sure what was going on with me that day. It was an isolated incident. I wasn't doing that much every day. I don't know why I did that much. Maybe I was trying to quench a pain, or maybe I was crying out for help. "Sometimes with an addiction, we blind ourselves to everything else until we are ready to stop it and find a cure for it. It's kind of like the old saying, 'The only time you can really change something is when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.' " With his first admission, Gilbert said, "a flood gate opened and I told my supervisors everything." And although he was suspended from work, he said he was supported by both his co-workers and by the hospital, which helped him get into treatment and worked out a last-chance work agreement that it later rescinded due to the federal charges brought against him. "My case came to a head in a federal facility. If it had been at . . . any other hospital, they probably would have let me go and turned me in to the nursing board because they don't want the publicity. A lot of people have done that. "I could have lied and denied everything, and they probably couldn't have proved anything. But I chose to tell them everything and to be as forthcoming as a I could." On the evening he first disclosed his drug use, Gilbert was sent to the hospital's emergency room for lab work. The next day he began work with the VAMC's employee assistance program. From there he went on to Indian Path Pavilion for substance abuse treatment, and it was there, he said, he found his most valuable ally, the Tennessee Professional Assistance Program. One of numerous professional associations across the state under contract with the Tennessee Department of Health, TPAP randomly screens Gilbert for drug use, monitors his compliance with his recovery plan and, when the times comes, will advocate on his behalf before the state Board of Nursing. But it is his TPAP support group of about 15 other nurses also recovering from addictions - all either working in nursing or working to restore their license so they can return to nursing, that Gilbert said has proved most beneficial. The benefit, he said, is the group member's personal insight into the problems they all face daily and the sharing of the coping skills that serve them best. While Gilbert's contract with TPAP will keep him in the program for at least three years, Jason, a pharmacist, recovering addict and a former counselor for the Tennessee Pharmacists Recovery Network, said recovery is a lifelong commitment. "Recovery is a lifelong change if you want it to work," he said. "You can't think of it as a temporary thing. If you do, you will relapse." "Addiction is a disease just like diabetes, heart disease or anything else," he said. "Unfortunately, most people don't see it that way. They see it as a moral problem. "TennPharm sees it as a disease. They see the need for treatment and they advocate for chemically dependent practitioners. "There are issues that the non-medical community doesn't see. It's the ease of access that puts us at risk. And there is a need to maintain contact with other recovering people who are doing the same things that we are doing." For pharmacists who daily count out the same pills that may have put their careers or even their lives at risk, the TennPharm recovery contract typically extends five to seven years. But after eight years in recovery, Jason said, he still attends the program's group meetings weekly because the members help him realize he is not alone and because he fears, without their support, he may "lose focus and to do something detrimental." "(Addiction) is a deadly disease," he said. "In my eight years, I've seen probably 20 deaths as a result of it. It affects whole families, wives, husbands, kids, parents. "(Recovery) is a day to day process. Doctors, physicians and pharmacists are no different than anyone else. It's one day at time with reliance on God." For others at work in health care fields quietly struggling with chemical dependencies, Jason said his best advice is, "You are not alone. Get help somewhere." - --- MAP posted-by: Larry Seguin