Pubdate: Mon, 28 Feb 2005
Source: North Thompson Star/Journal (CN BC)
Copyright: 2005 The North Thompson Star/Journal
Contact:  http://www.starjournal.net/
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/1231

COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR TEEN ABOUT DRUGS

Understanding Adolescence

Adolescence is the stage of development that bridges the gap between 
childhood (dependence on parents) and adulthood (independence). It is a 
period where teenagers search for their own identity, to find out where 
they fit in the world, who they are etc. This means that they are often 
evaluating and imitating adults while also being aware of what society 
expects (of adults) and comparing this to their own perceived inadequacies. 
As a result, teenagers often only feel accepted when they are with other 
teenagers and, therefore, it is very important for them to fit into their 
crowd. For example, they often don't mind looking 'weird' to their parents 
as long as they look OK to others. In the search for an independent 
identity, teenage behaviour may include rejecting or rebelling against 
family values. Feelings of self-consciousness and insecurity will often be 
acted out via moods, outbursts etc.

No matter how well your relationship has been with your teenager in the 
past, you will often be challenged about your ideals as they attempt to 
define their own values and beliefs and their relationship in the world 
around them. Although, at times, you may become frustrated and angry, it 
may help to remember that your teenager's behaviour is part of the process 
of becoming independent and working out how to manage their life as an adult.

Adolescence is also a time for experimenting and risk taking. During this 
period of their lives, excitement comes from such things as getting a 
driver's licence, getting into a pub, sexual contact and using drugs. 
Although many parents experience difficulty in talking with teenagers about 
certain issues, effective communication will contribute to much needed 
support for your teenager and will, hopefully, also lead to a lessening of 
your concerns.

One of the first steps in effectively communicating with your child about 
drugs (or any sensitive issue) is to try and understand where they are 
coming from and what they are going through. Having been through 
adolescence yourself, although your experiences may not have been exactly 
the same as your teenagers, there will be certain similarities that you 
will be able to relate to. Try putting yourself in their shoes and 
exploring what they may be feeling. Usually parents want to know what's 
happening with their child, although they often fall into the trap of 
telling them what they should be doing or thinking. Often, one of the 
hardest things for parents is to discard the notion that their point of 
view is the only point of view (or only correct one).

Important Communication Methods To Consider

Honesty: Let your teenager know what you would like to talk about and why. 
Discuss your concerns, fears and other feelings openly but in a calm 
manner. Let them know what it's like to be a parent. If your communication 
has not exactly been honest in the past, it may take a while to regain 
trust so give it time. If your teenager sees you as being honest, they are 
more likely to respond in the same manner.

Consistency: Because your teenager is viewing the world very closely, they 
will be aware of any hypocrisy they see. Consider your own views on drugs. 
If you have expressed strong and inflexible views about drugs it will be 
difficult for your teenager to discuss their own situation with you. 
Examine your own use of drugs including the legal ones such as alcohol and 
tobacco. This doesn't necessarily mean that you have to abstain from these 
substances. However, if you acknowledge your relationship to them it will 
strengthen your credibility, and also offer a good starting point for 
discussion.

Openness: Discuss your own (or others) drug use in a way that encourages 
your teenager to explore their own opinions and solutions about drug use. 
If your teenager makes their own decisions about their behaviour you won't 
have to constantly try to enforce your own rules which often tend to get 
broken anyway. Try to be as non-judgemental as possible by acknowledging 
their individual opinions and attitudes and not evaluating them on a 
personal basis, e.g. 'You are silly to think that'. Negotiate ground rules 
where you and your teenager work towards agreement on matters that is 
acceptable to all parties. Remember that it is important for teenagers to 
have a sense of control over their own lives and this requires you to be 
flexible.

Listening: True listening not only means that the message itself is 
received, but that the person knows they have been heard. Conveying to the 
other person that you are really interested in what they have to say helps 
to draw them out. Be aware of your body language, including facial 
expressions, posture, use of arms, hands etc, and let them know that you 
are open to what they have to say.

Try to avoid using barriers that are likely to abruptly end the 
conversation, such as:

Ordering: 'You must...', 'You have to...', 'You should...' etc;

Over sympathising: 'Don't worry, you'll be right';

Warning/threatening: 'You'd better... or else...';

Lecturing: 'Did you know...', 'The truth is...';

Diagnosing: 'Your problem is...';

Judging: 'You are wrong', 'You're being stupid';

Interrogating: 'What', 'Why', 'Who' 'How'.

The above methods leave little room for your teenager to explore their own 
responses and solutions. Instead, ask your teenager what they see as the 
problem and what they regard as the best thing to do. Remember that they 
are young adults and will most likely have answers that are suitable for 
them. Their ability to solve the problem will also provide them with 
greater confidence to deal with future issues. If they have difficulty in 
finding a solution to a problem and ask you what to do, you may like to 
offer your response more as a guide or suggestion. For example, "You will 
have to make up your own mind, but I would...".

Putting Drug Use Into Perspective

If you think or are aware that your teenager is using drugs it does not 
mean that things are out of control or they are dependent (addicted). Many 
young people experiment with drugs but most will not go on and develop a 
dependence to them or any other significant problems.

Given this, it is important to get your teenager through this stage as 
safely as possible. Think about why your teenager may want to use drugs and 
talk with them about it. Together, try and identify any risks your teenager 
may be exposing themselves to and help them to explore solutions that will 
assist in keeping the risks to a minimum. Let them know that you will be 
there to help them with any concerns or dangers they may face. If you are 
part of a two parent team, perhaps the parent who has the easiest rapport 
can initiate the conversation, or another relative, a family friend etc. If 
you are having trouble communicating with your teenager, there are many 
professional services and support groups available, so don't be afraid to 
seek outside assistance. Remember that you don't have to know everything 
about parenting, communication or drugs. Your willingness to help your 
child through this period of their lives will provide a sound basis from 
which to start.
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MAP posted-by: Beth