Pubdate: Fri, 11 Mar 2005
Source: Ottawa Sun (CN ON)
Copyright: 2005 Canoe Limited Partnership
Contact:  http://www.ottawasun.com/
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/329
Author: Michael Harris
Bookmark: http://www.mapinc.org/decrim.htm (Decrim/Legalization)
Bookmark: http://www.mapinc.org/mjcn.htm (Cannabis - Canada)

SKUNK SMELLS AS FUNNY AS THE LAW

Hunter S. Thompson is controlling the world from beyond the grave.

What a week!

Prince Charles delivers a passionate defence of the endangered albatross in 
New Zealand while unknowingly dressed in a cloak made from the poor 
creature's feathers.

Tony Blair says it's time for a debate on how false information from 
government can create public panic.

Peter Mansbridge opines that, by George, the Middle East is ripe for 
democracy after all -- a day or two before half a million Lebanese bring 
back their pro-Syrian prime minister.

The Conservatives try to hold a convention without policy debate.

President Bush appoints an ambassador to the United Nations who says that 
the UN does not exist.

And Michael Jackson skips court.

So you can imagine my relief when I found TokaCola.

What exactly is TokaCola? It is an Internet mail order marijuana seed 
operation, promising "Discreet Global Delivery." I came across it surfing 
for views on the pros and cons of legalizing marijuana.

All of TokaCola's products are grown in Holland or Switzerland from the 
best of plants. The company has quite the catalogue. The names of the 
various marijuana seeds sound like a cross between hardcore pornography and 
the names of professional wrestlers; Five Way, Shiva Haze, Big Bud Afghani, 
and Armageddon Skunk.

Each type of seed comes with a gushing description that will sound familiar 
to afficionados of tulip bulbs, great burgundy, or Cuban cigars. Here's the 
sales pitch for Haze Skunk: "This has the energy and high of the Haze and 
the power and robustness of the skunk. A real pedigree among skunks."

Speaking of skunks, what about the apocalyptically named Armageddon Skunk? 
"Oh my God, it's the end of the world as we know it! The echelon of 
(echeltology). It's a bolt from the blue to know that Armageddon Skunk is a 
F1 hybrid combining the best of G13 Hash Plant times Maple Leaf times 
BigBud. It's a revelation to see such a holy trinity in perfect 
equilibrium. The main attractor that lies at the end of history calling 
your name."

Wow, I thought, malapropism, unintended Canadian nationalism, blasphemy and 
stoner mysticism all in one short paragraph.

I read on. Armageddon Skunk is an Indoor/Outdoor product that flowers in 
7-8 weeks and yields 325-1000 grams per square meter. But for heaven's 
sakes, don't be fooled by imitators. If your marijuana seeds don't come 
from a TokaCola original bag, you are the proud owner of an unauthorized 
knock off grown in a manure pile!

There is a handy order form complete with a check box for how many seeds 
you want and their price. Let's see, one packet of Armageddon Skunk 
containing 10 seeds goes for $175 US. But here's the truly hilarious part.

Just like those drugs on television that will either put lead in your 
pencil or give you a heart attack, there is a lengthy disclaimer. For 
example, the TokaCola Seed Company advises all potential customers to check 
their national laws and bylaws before placing an order.

"TokaCola Seeds does not want to induce anyone to act in conflict with 
their national law. The TokaCola Seed Company cannot be held responsible 
for those who do."

The punchline? "All seeds are sold as souvenirs only."

I had to smile. The disingenuous sales pitch of the TokaCola Seed Company 
is a lot like our disingenuous marijuana laws.

Even though the Liberals manfully sidestepped the issue at their recent 
convention, the facts haven't gone up in smoke: They want to legalize the 
use of marijuana at a personal level and bring the hammer down on people 
who buy TokaCola seeds for reasons other than collecting souvenirs.

No wonder the younger generation is one toke over the line. After all, 
their leaders are saying it's a minor matter to smoke marijuana but a 
federal offence to grow it? Not exactly Slinky Toy logic.

As for the health or morality arguments against marijuana, it would be 
easier to make the case that Jean Lafleur has a photographic memory. More 
than six million Canadians are sucking on their own mortality every day in 
the form of cigarettes.

Despite knowing that ciggies are the single most significant and 
preventable cause of illness and death in the world, government continues 
to sanction and tax this product as an important item of commerce.

Alcohol, another tax feast for government, is the fourth leading cause of 
death by disease in Canada and is involved as a factor in 64% of murders, 
60% of child abuse, 41% of assaults, 34% of rapes and 30% of suicides.

I think the marketers over at TokaCola have figured things out. Armageddon 
Skunk you say?
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MAP posted-by: Jay Bergstrom