Pubdate: Tue, 07 Jun 2005
Source: Lacombe Globe, The (CN AB)
Copyright: 2005 Lacombe Globe
Author: Russell Barth


Search warrant out for divine pot growers

RE: God And Mother Nature Wanted By Police For Growing Marijuana

Canadian law enforcement officials have issued an all-points bulletin for
two suspects wanted in the largest marijuana growing operation in world

The primary suspect, known by the aliases `God,' `Allah,' `Jehovah,' `The
Grand Architect Of The Universe,' and many others, is wanted for a number of
charges, including possession of marijuana with intent to distribute, and
cultivation of marijuana--and has even been charged with inventing marijuana
with intent to distribute.

"Conceiving of, designing and mass-producing a plant of this kind may be a
Divine Act, but it is still against the Criminal Code Of Canada," said
Const. Balderdash, a spokesman for TRABEDSOC (The Really Awesomely Big And
Expensive Drug Squad Of Canada).

"He also created the Earth, so that is like building a grow-op facility.
Contraventions of the act of this magnitude cannot be ignored. We even have
written testimony to corroborate these crimes."

The written evidence comes from the author Moses, who is also wanted for
questioning. In his book of Genesis, Chapter 1, Verse 11, it states: "And
God said, `Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and
fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its
kind, upon the earth.' And it was so." 12: "The earth brought forth
vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees
bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And God
saw that it was good."

Const. Balderdash commented, "Who does He think He is anyway? Decades of Him
giving away free sunlight and rain to growers, many of whom are affiliated
with organized crime or biker gangs, constitutes trillions of charges of
participating in various organized drug crimes--in Canada alone. That is, in
the law's opinion, the same as stealing hydro."

He continued, "Marijuana grow ops, organized crime, marijuana grow ops,
organized crime, marijuana grow ops, organized crime."

Balderdash later said, "There is further evidence that The Divine One
trafficked in marijuana or conspired to."

The evidence in question comes from later in the same book: Genesis, Chapter
1, Verse 29: "And God said, `Behold, I have given you every plant yielding
seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in
its fruit; you shall have them for food.'"

"That is an admission of a crime, right there," said Balderdash. "Marijuana
grow ops, organized crime, marijuana grow ops, organized crime."

God's alleged accomplice is most commonly known by the names `Mother
Nature,' `Mother Earth,' or `Gaia.' She is charged with facilitating a crime
by providing soil and nutrition for trillions upon trillions of marijuana
plants, and also for providing a place for humans to live so they can risk
their safety and their freedom to cultivate them.

The two fugitives haven't been seen together in public for some time,
leading to rumours that they've either separated or divorced.

Authorities believe God to be All Powerful and, therefore, very heavily
armed. Intelligence indicates He may even have weapons of mass creation.
Experts recommend He be approached with absolute caution, but with an open

TRABEDSOC isn't sure whether the two have fled together or separately, but
even on her own, Mother Nature can be very dangerous and is suspected to
have a weather control device. She is also wanted for millions of counts of

Anyone seeing either of these suspects is to notify police immediately.

Jesus and a number of Saints are also wanted for questioning.

- -- Russell Barth Educators For Sensible Drug Policy, Ottawa
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