Pubdate: Mon, 13 Nov 2006 Source: North Thompson Star/Journal (CN BC) Copyright: 2006 The North Thompson Star/Journal Contact: http://www.starjournal.net/ Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/1231 Author: Jill Hayward A PERSONAL STORY "I've been clean now for just under two years," said the serious young man who asked to meet with this reporter in March of 2005. "I thought you might like to hear my story seeing as how you are running all these articles about meth in your paper." The young man, who will be known as Tim for this article, was referring to a series of articles that the Star/Journal printed in the early part of 2005 regarding crystal meth abuse within the community and the steps being taken to address the problem. After the interview Tim asked that we not run the article. He had second thoughts about it being published, We agreed to respect his decision and did not publish the story. Tim's story is sadly all too common - what happened to him is still happening to our young people - drug abuse problems have not changed since Tim first spoke to this reporter in March of 2005. It is well over a year since that interview but the issues regarding substance abuse are still out there and Tim says he is now ready for his story to be told. He tells of his experience with crystal meth in the hopes that it will strike a "common thread" with another youth, and perhaps that link will give them the determination and hope that is the first step to the rest of their lives. "I started my addiction with alcohol when I was 15," said Tim, "I liked to drink beer with my friends and every so often someone would bring hard liquor and we would drink until we were falling down drunk. We thought we were having a good time. Some sort of rite of manhood. If you didn't drink to excess you didn't belong. You were a loser." Tim told of how the alcohol use had progressed to marijuana use. "Somebody lit up one day. Then we all had some. It was cool. Made me feel pretty grown-up. Smoking and drinking - I thought I'd come of age." Family and friends tried to talk to Tim about his drinking but he always managed to have an excuse. When his parents started to get too tough he just drank more and ignored their attempts to prevent it. "Just to prove I could," said Tim, "Pretty soon you do it because somebody said you shouldn't. My folks were never home much. Both of them worked, dad worked out of town, mom visited friends in the evening, played bridge, that sort of stuff. I pretty much had the house to myself. The booze and the marijuana fooled me into thinking I was in control of my own life. I could do what I wanted to do. All of a sudden I felt I fit in. I was cool. I ran with the "in" crowd." Taking the next step, the jump to crystal meth was an easy one. " When I met my dealer to buy marijuana he offered me meth to try for free. I thought "Hey man it's free! Believe me, it was anything but free." The effect of meth was so different that Tim immediately went back for more. "After a couple of times meth was the only way I could get a buzz. Nothing seemed to be complete without it. Four of us always hung out together. We partied, drank and did meth. We were totally wasted most of the time." Asked how he managed to pay for his habit Tim stated that he had a part-time job on weekends and had a substantial savings account created by the generosity of relatives who always tucked cash in with birthday and Christmas presents. "Meth was cheap to buy and it made me feel good," said Tim, "It was all I cared about. Having to go to school, talk to people, just to even exist seemed to be taking me too far away from the feeling I got from meth. All I wanted to do was use the drug. Nothing else." Avoiding his mom - leaving the house before she got up, coming home after she had gone to bed - he became an expert at living a life of secrets and shadows. Losing 40 pounds as a result of meth Tim soon found his clothes too big, his eyes sunken, and he didn't care. "I never felt hungry. In fact the sight of food sickened me. The only hunger I had was meth. Sometimes when I woke after a long sleep I would feel hungry but as soon as I looked at food it was nauseating." When his mom finally confronted him about having an eating disorder he tried to brush it off with an excuse about having sore gums from wisdom teeth coming in. "My mom could see I was looking like death. She knew something was wrong but I think she was afraid to think it was drugs. I just kept telling her I was growing and that I was going to be a skinny bean pole instead of a football kind of guy. She believed me for a long time. She even believed me when I said the blemishes on my face and arms were acne and my school counsellor said they would soon go away." But one day Tim's mom had to recognize that things were all wrong with her son. By now meth's tell-tail skin sores, mood swings, sleeplessness and crashing were all very much a part of Tim's life. She confronted him, and although admitting to using drugs Tim showed no inclination to stop. "I just had my own little world," said Tim, "Here was meth and there was me. I needed more and more meth to keep feeling the way I wanted to be. I really had no idea what was going on around me. I think I just went through the motions of everyday life. I really don't remember how I got through each day, attended school, and even kept my weekend job until they fired me for being late too many times. Somewhere along the way I even lost interest in my friends. I really thought I would be happier if I could just hang out at my dealers house, have my own room or something. My parents couldn't bug me then. I hardly ever went home except to crash. I really have no recollection of where I was most of the time." What turned his course of self-destruction around and brought him to make the decision to quit? "I found out that the police had raided my dealer's house. He was out of business for awhile and I didn't know who to get meth from. I really freaked. You can't believe how crazy I felt. I think I must have been hyperventilating or something. All of a sudden I realized I was scrabbling around my room and it was in a mess. My stuff was everywhere, drawers pulled out, closet stripped bare, you couldn't see the floor for my stuff everywhere. I had even pulled the mattress of the bed. My mom and dad were standing in the doorway of my room. They had a look of utter horror on their faces and they were both crying. That was it. Somewhere in my screwed-up head a light bulb turned on and I saw myself for what I had become and for what I was doing to our family. I sat down right there and cried. And I cried with my folks," Tim says quitting was "very, very hard", but he took each day at a time, and his parents took them with him. "It wasn't easy. I will never be meth free. It is with me every day, it's just not in me. The craving isn't so strong anymore. I hope it will continue to diminish but if not that's OK. I know how to handle it, how to look at the good things in my life instead of meth. I control the craving, it no longer controls me." Last week Tim proudly stated during my interview that he has been meth free for three years. Alcohol free for two years, and marijuana free for one year. "It took me awhile to get rid of all my addictions. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. If my family had not been there for me I know I couldn't have got through it. I love them all very much. They have given me an opportunity to be myself again." Tim says telling his story is important but there are thousands of stories just the same, some without happy endings. "There will probably be people who will know who this story is about," said Tim, "I think I am ready for that now, and my family says telling what happened to me might help someone else. We want kids to know they don't have to get high to fit in. We want kids to know that they need to talk to their parents, family, teachers, someone. There are lots of programs out there and lots of help. That is one of the most amazing things I found throughout the past three years. There are so many caring people who will help you. Our church helped me to get started. They could help other kids in trouble with drugs if the kids would just call them. That's all it takes to get started with the rest of your life." Resources are available for those seeking help from substance abuse by calling Alcoholics Anonymous at 672-9643 or 672-5714, Al Anon at 672-9575 or 672-9643, Yellowhead Community Services at 672-9731, Alcohol and Drug Counselling (Simpcw First Nation) 672-9995, A.A. Meeting in Chu Chua 672-9643, Crisis Centre for BC 1-888-661-3311 (24 hours a day), BC Alcohol and Drug Referral Line 1-800-663-1441. - --- MAP posted-by: Elaine