Pubdate: Fri, 14 Apr 2006 Source: Ottawa Citizen (CN ON) Copyright: 2006 The Ottawa Citizen Contact: http://www.canada.com/ottawa/ottawacitizen/ Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/326 Author: Alexandra Zabjek RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL SON For much of his teenage years, Gavin Wright's drug use caused his family no end of worry and pain. It took leaving home to help him return to his family, and even start to speak to other teens about drugs, alcohol and self-esteem. Then disaster truly struck. CREDIT: Brent Foster, Una Wright, and her son, Gavin, founded a group called YouthSpeak in 2003 to offer peer-to-peer discussions about teen issues. 'He was so brave,' says Ms. Wright of Gavin's first speaking engagement, given on short notice at an area high school. A mother leans over her teenage son to place a kiss on his forehead. She smells something in her son's dark hair. Cigarette smoke. It's not me, he says. It's because of a friend. Thank goodness, she thinks. The year he started Grade 8, Gavin grew up fast. He changed schools, developed a six-pack and became good at sports, seemingly overnight. The girls loved him and he made new friends, recalls his mother, Una Wright. There were other changes, too. Gavin's eyes were often red. He blamed his allergies and Ms. Wright rushed out to buy her son allergy medication. By 1999, about a year later, Ms. Wright and her husband, Don -- middle class professionals in Newmarket -- were absorbed by their older son's behavioural problems. Later, she realized, they weren't tuned in to the warning signs of Gavin's drug use. As a child, Gavin had been a keen Boy Scout--he was cuddly, playful and energetic. At the time, Ms. Wright couldn't have known the problems her household would encounter or the curious path to forgiveness that occurs within a tight-knit family. Eventually, Gavin's drug use became obvious. Ms. Wright found baggies of marijuana and hashish in his laundry and his room. At school, he started cycling through a series of counsellors and final warnings. For three years, Gavin's drug use dominated his parents' lives. It became as much a test for them as it was for him. Sometimes, Ms. Wright awoke in the middle of the night, focused on some new insight, some magic words she thought might fix her son. "These are the words of inspiration that will make a difference," she would think. Deep down, she knew it wasn't the case. "It becomes all-consuming, every minute you're thinking about it," says Ms. Wright, now 45. "You're always on the phone, looking for counsellors, looking for support, looking for your kid." Like many parents with disruptive children, the Wrights fought over how to handle their son. They had no friends and were afraid to have people over on a Saturday night, never knowing who might knock on their door. When Gavin was 16, the police called Ms. Wright, asking her to pick him up from the station. She said no. She had two younger children who were watching their older brother's dance with drugs. She had to think of them, too. Tough love can elicit contrary emotions. Gavin moved in with his boss, who owned a local diner, and the family grieved his loss from their home. Ms. Wright felt "ripped off" as a mother. She wanted to care for her son when he was sick, but knew she couldn't. Ms. Wright describes that time in her life as "a trip to hell and back." That's exactly what it felt like in those years, she says. - - - - If you love someone deeply, is it easier or harder to forgive when they cause you grief? Does love raise the stakes of forgiveness? Or can love make forgiveness a given? When the Wrights asked their son to leave their home, it seemed to mark a turning point for the teenager. Gavin eventually started attending more counselling sessions, connecting with his family and listening to his instincts, which told him right from wrong. And that was all Ms. Wright needed to forgive a child who had caused her worry and pain. "All we ever want is to see them happy and on the right path," she says. "Just being a loving, decent person and finding healthy relationships and ... normal stuff -- if that's all you really want, out of everything that you've gone through with them, when you see that start to happen, you just let go of the past." It might require work to rebuild a relationship with others, but it's a natural process with your child, says Ms. Wright. You only wish for their happiness -- and maybe the odd sign of appreciation. Gavin's new path in life was marked with occasional bumps and unpredicted turns. Within a couple of years he had steered clear of drugs and became a speaker for YouthSpeak, the organization his mother founded in 2003 for teens to talk to other teens about issues such as alcohol, drugs and self-esteem. "He was so brave," says Ms. Wright of Gavin's first speaking engagement, given on short notice at a area high school. He was a natural speaker and his parents were proud. By 2004, Ms. Wright had largely reconciled with her son, the problems of his past eclipsed by the promise of his future. Ms. Wright spent hours talking to her son about school, work and the "normal stuff" that dominates the lives of 18-year-olds. "We had good, open communication and I really treasured that," she says. The Wrights' story might have ended there, with a tender reconciliation between mother and son. There is, however, a postscript. On his 19th birthday, Gavin was en route to meet friends for dinner when he swerved to avoid a car hydroplaning on a wet and slippery highway. Another car hit him from behind. He died instantly in the crash. At his funeral, teens and parents surrounded Ms. Wright. One teen said Gavin had helped him get off drugs, another said Gavin saved him from a suicide attempt. A third said Gavin helped him through drug withdrawal. "He had a purpose here and he was fulfilling it," she says. She also acknowledges the importance of their reconciliation. "It would have caused greater pain inside of us if we hadn't been able to resolve things before he died," she says. In his mother's favourite photo, Gavin is casually leaning back into his hands, folded behind his head. His smile is wide and playful. His expression is carefree. The photograph is in a YouthSpeak pamphlet, with his thoughts about self-esteem and personal change. His mother loves the picture. She imagines him up there, still grinning and enjoying his freedom. About This Series What does it take to forgive? What would be impossible to forgive? As Christians around the world prepare to celebrate Easter, a group of Citizen writers is exploring some remarkable acts of grace. They have found stories of people forgiving horrific acts involving violence, betrayal and unimaginable loss, and in return finding the scars they carry easier to bear. In the days leading up to Easter Sunday they will share these experiences, and the insights they allow into the great theme of Christianity's central holiday. - --- MAP posted-by: Larry Seguin