Pubdate: Thu, 12 Jul 2007
Source: Mirror (CN QU)
Copyright: 2007 Communications Gratte-Ciel Ltee
Contact:  http://www.montrealmirror.com/
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/267
Author: Raf Katigbak
Referenced: 2007 World Drug Report 
http://www.unodc.org/unodc/world_drug_report.html
Bookmark: http://www.mapinc.org/mjcn.htm (Marijuana - Canada)
Bookmark: http://www.mapinc.org/decrim.htm (Decrim/Legalization)
Bookmark: http://www.mapinc.org/topics/World+Drug+Report

OH CANNABA!

Well hip-hip hooray! According to a recent UN report, Canada has more 
weed smokers as a percentage of their population than any other 
industrialized nation. And yes, that includes the Netherlands, where 
they pretty much invented pot and where you need a degree in 
architecture and a minor in structural design to roll their overly 
complex joints.

Personally, I don't get it. As someone who never smoked a joint 
before eight months ago (wait, does opium count?), I am certainly no 
expert on weed-smoking by any stretch. In fact, I've only smoked weed 
three times in my life. I'm not sure why, really. Maybe it's because 
even though I was a nerd, I found the whole weed culture even 
nerdier. I mean, bongs? C'mon dude, I want to get high, not suck on 
some weird science experiment that looks like a penis enlarger filled 
with ass water.

But hey, Canada seems to like it, so who am I to judge? 16.8 per cent 
of us aged 15-64 can't be wrong, can we?

Well, at least we're not number one in the world. No, we're only 
fifth, after Zambia. That's right, we're just behind a country where 
86 per cent live below the poverty line and life expectancy is only 
38 years. Jesus. At least Zambians have a reason to blaze 24-7. Um, 
what's our excuse again? Is it to forget that we came up with e-Talk Daily?

And it's not as if we didn't already have an image problem. We've 
already had to deal with nation-branding expert Simon Anholt calling 
Canada boring, and Herouxville, Quebec, proudly announcing to new 
immigrants that they "don't stone women here." Great. Now we're going 
to be known as a nation of boring racists who like to get blunted.

And it also doesn't help that this past weekend over a dozen families 
visiting for Montreal's 14th annual International Fastpitch Softball 
Championship reported their luxury vehicles stolen. Tournament games 
were played in seven parks in and around Montreal and cars were 
stolen from six of the venues, as well as from hotel parking lots 
where the families were staying. So now we're a mosaic of boring, 
racist, stoned dudes that will also steal your car. Awesome! Now all 
Canada has to do is borrow money that we never pay back and stay at 
home every weekend and watch Simpsons reruns and jerk off to Internet 
porn and we'll be the worst boyfriend ever.

Wait. Maybe we can turn this frown upside down? Perhaps this whole 
pot-smoking thing is just what we need to boost our tourism. Why 
don't we take a lesson from Minto, Ontario, who have taken a negative 
stereotype and turned it into a positive and just hosted their second 
annual Canadian Redneck Games--complete with toilet seat toss (aka 
"redneck horseshoes") and a bobbing for pigs' feet competition? Why 
don't we use our new stoner image to our advantage? Maybe we can 
finally put all those Canadian flags with pot leafs that have been 
languishing next to jewel-encrusted skull-bongs in headshops across 
the country to good use? Perhaps we could use the classic high school 
graffiti "Thank you for not pot smoking" as our new national slogan?

I mean, it does only make sense that we're the industrialized world's 
leading chronics. How else do you explain Cirque du Soleil? 
Motherfuckers have to be high off their ass to come up with that. And 
what about Ruffles All-Dressed Chips (available only in Canada, btw)? 
The only way you could possibly invent/enjoy that is if you are 
completely stoned out of your gourd.

What am I saying, the Canadian Tourism Commission would never go for 
that. Well, I guess the good news is that at least a new study shows 
that cigarette smoking is down for Canadian teenagers. In fact, we 
have the lowest percentage of daily smokers than any other 
industrialized country. That's great! Except they just found out that 
cigarette smoking helps ward off Parkinson's... so that's... bad? 
Damn, why can't we ever catch a break?
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MAP posted-by: Jay Bergstrom