Pubdate: Mon, 25 Jan 2016
Source: Intelligencer, The (CN ON)
Copyright: 2016, The Belleville Intelligencer
Contact: http://www.intelligencer.ca/letters
Website: http://www.intelligencer.ca/
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/2332
Author: Barry Ellsworth
Page: B2

TRENTON LCBO TEST STORE FOR MARIJUANA SALES

So, our debonair and newly-minted Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
promised in his election campaign to legalize marijuana.

His fellow Liberal, Ontario Premier Kathleen "Hydro Hiker" Wynne, says
it should be sold through Liquor Control Board of Ontario outlets.
(The same LCBO that used to protect people from drinking by
arbitrarily putting their names on the no-alcohol "Indian List", but
that's another story.)

What few know but your curious columnist has discovered is that the
Trenton LCBO will be a test store for selling the drug, the dangers of
which were catalogued in the hilarious 1936 film, "Reefer Madness."
(Google it.)

Wynne hired a retired U.S. Marine general, Hank "Balls to You"
Blowhard, to oversee the Trenton store security as the cargo was moved
in. The general - an old family friend of the Ellsworths - was head of
NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command) in Colorado and
marijuana is legal in that state, so for those two reasons the
befuddled premier thought Blowhard would know how to handle security.

Mary Lou and yours truly dropped by the liquor store and ran into the
general. He looked at Mary Lou. "Mary-wanna," he said. "Careful,
general, that's my wife you are talking to," I said.

"I mean the drug, mary-wanna, son," the general replied.

"Oh," I said (the general calls everybody son and peppers his speech
with "damn").

"What are those guys doing on the store roof?" I asked.

"Sniper's nests," the general replied. "For damn sure ain't no
druggies gonna get near that mary-wanna."

It was obvious the general was taking this security thing
seriously.

"Is that a tank I see over by the loading dock?" I
asked.

"Damn sure, son," Blowhard said. "Got it from I-rack, thanks to
President LaBamba."

(Translation: the tank was surplus from Iraq and donated by President 
Obama.)

"Don't you think you are going a little overboard, general?" I said.
He looked at me with disdain. "Overboard?" the general replied. "Take
a gander over there on the river. What do you see?" I couldn't believe
my eyes.

"Is that an American Motor Torpedo Boat, like the PT-109?" I asked,
incredulously.

"Yessir, damn sure is, son," the general replied, grinning. "Got her
out of mothballs and if any of them damn druggies tries to come in by
water, they got a big surprise coming."

I asked what he would do when the river finally freezes.

"Got an icebreaker, or more exactly an ice melter," Blowhard said.
"All them hot air politicians at Queen's Park are gonna come down and
blow on the river. That'll damn sure fix any ice problems."

It appeared the general had security well in hand. I just had one
question.

"General, smoking marijuana is well, smoking, and studies show it is
worse than regular tobacco cigarettes," I said. "Premier Wynne passed
a bunch of laws to cut smoking in Ontario. How do you reconcile those
two things?"

"Easy, son," the general said. "Soon as Wynne figured out how much tax
money selling mary-wanna would rake in, any objections went up in smoke."
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MAP posted-by: Matt