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Join Monte's Power Rangers
Pubdate: Sun, 10 Oct 2004
Source: Toronto Sun (CN ON)
Copyright: 2004, Canoe Limited Partnership.
Contact: http://www.canoe.com/NewsStand/TorontoSun/home.html
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/457
Author: Gary Dunford, For the Toronto Sun
Bookmark: http://www.mapinc.org/mjcn.htm (Cannabis - Canada)
JOIN MONTE'S POWER RANGERS
MONTE KWINTER's POWER RANGERS: Hey kids! Be the first on your block to
bust a neighbourhood pot grow-op! Coming soon: A very special school
assembly ...
"Boys and girls!" shouts the amplified voice of a big blue bear on
stage. "I'm Brutus, hydro's marijuana-busting bear! And this is my
friend, Monte Kwinter! Can you say 'Hi Monte?' "
"Hi Monte!" kids yell. Ontario's minister of community safety
waves.
"That's not a real bear," Bobby mutters. His project on grizzlies
placed second at the school science fair.
"Oh yes it is!" cries Kwinter, striding to the microphone. "Brutus is
hydro's baddest bear ever! He's just as real as the marijuana-growing
threat to your province. That's why neighbourhood grow-ops are my Job
One. Don't let the terrorists win. With your help, we'll stop bad
people from growing weeds in their houses."
"Weeds in their houses?" laughs Amy. She thinks its some kind of
joke.
"Don't laugh!" growls the bear. "There could be houses growing weeds
right in your neighbourhood, kids. Some of 'em use electricity and
don't even pay the subordinated debt retirement surcharge!"
"Huh?" asks Amy.
"Bad men grow a very special weed," Kwinter explains. "It befuddles
and bamboozles the brain. They grow it in houses that look like yours!
Dry it and sell it and smoke it, oh my! Tell them, Brutus."
"Marijuana's a filthy weed," sings the bear, dancing. "'Twas the devil
sowed the seed. It drains your pockets, scents your clothes ... and
makes a chimney of your nose." He moonwalks like Michael Jackson. Kids
clap.
"It's the very same weed that made your parents so wacky," nods
Kwinter. "They smoked it when they were teenagers. Does anybody here
have wacky moms and dads?"
"They're wacky all right!" yells a voice at the back.
Kwinter and Brutus the Bear high-five each other.
"Very soon, we'll pass a fine new law so hydro can turn off the power
to bad men who do not pay the Cost of Electricity Delivered to Us or
the Cost To Deliver Electricity to you. Lights out! Oh, too bad! Their
wacky weeds will freeze to death in the dark."
The bear waves his paws as if he can't see, then does a
pratfall.
"But how can you know which houses to unplug?" Bobby
asks.
"That's where YOU come in," Brutus singsongs. "Just like building
inspectors, Realtors and mortgage brokers, we're gonna make you all
Power Rangers! Look around your neighbourhood. Do you see suspicious
homes? Who wants to be one of Monte Kwinter's power rangers?"
"Will we get badges?" asks Timmy.
"You don't need no stinkin' badges," says Kwinter. "Cops have badges
but we can't wait for them to get a search warrant, can we? It's
vigilante time! Who can tell me the sign of a suspicious house? Little
girl?"
"One where lights come on every morning as if they were having
breakfast?" asks Becky. "On at dinnertime but out at midnight?"
"That's right!" nods the bear. "Those lights could be on a
timer!"
"A house where the drapes are always drawn, as if they don't want
anybody to see 'em vacuuming in the nude?" suggests Raj. "Or like when
mommy and daddy are wrestling."
"That's exactly the kind of house we're after," nods Kwinter.
"More?"
"A house with no kids!" chirps Rolf. "No bikes in the drive and the
lawn's always cut. As if maybe an elderly couple lived there or they
went to bed early or were sick."
"Very suspicious!" the bear agrees. "It could be old people. It could
be bad men stealing electricity to grow wacky weed. Or it might be
al-Qaida."
"Did that bear just say al-Qaida?" Principal Skinner whispers to a
teacher.
"Power rangers can sneak into people's yards and read hydro meters!"
Bobby suggests, warming to the idea. "Peek in their windows and see if
we see ourselves reflected in aluminum foil! Climb their hydro pole
and check if any secondary cable is duct-taped!! Bust 'em, Danno!"
"Are you kidding?" a puzzled third-grader asks. "Was this one of
Dalton McGuinty's promises?"
"Get me that kid's home address," whispers the bear.
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